Monday, 16 October 2017

Why You Should Embrace This Thing Called "Transparency" With Both Hands

Transparency in relationships is a term that seems obsolete these days. It is so important and vital but yet highly neglected simply because it plays its role in a very subtle manner.

Needless to say, many homes and relationships are run with little or no transparency. People who appear to be "so close" are yet "so far apart" and only get to express their relationship in a superficial level of using sweet names, holding hands and other forms of public display of affection (PDA) that lacks real depth. Thus, it is not surprising to hear about the high rate of crashing homes today especially amongst actors, celebrities and even pastors.

The examples of relationships we can talk about that shows the absence of true transparency and openness are endless. Of recent, we heard of the story of a guy who said he gave his fiancée a "correction slap" a week to their wedding simply because she had picked a call on his mobile phone in his absence. This means that their level of relation as couples who would be wedded in a week's time was not enough to entitle her to pick his call. So shocking!!!. I can only imagine how these two who are supposed to be "better-halves" of each other would survive in marriage .


It is also surprising to see this days that singles would openly display their bodies by wearing revealing clothing 
but would preferably keep the contents of their mobile phones private and 100% confidential from their own spouses. The privacy of our phones have unfortunately become much more important in our world today.

It is in like manner that many people in relationships are also not able to tell their significant other the truth simply because they do not want them to get OFFENDED. This is another example of the absence of openness and transparency in relationships. The effect of this is that the grieved party keeps bearing the "issue" that is hurting him/her without speaking up until a D-day comes when he/she blows up beyond comprehension.

Another very common example we hear about these days is "Oh...I can't tell her that she's got a body odour" or "oh...I can't tell him that he's got a mouth odour" or "oh...I can't tell my spouse that he/she is fat" OR speak up that a certain thing he/she does turns me off because their self-esteem would be destroyed. And then gradually, the time bomb of secrecy/incomplete vulnerability  builds up and destroys transparency and open communication needed to build up emotional attraction and intimacy between spouses.

So lets get serious with another here. I for one would not be with someone I can't  openly tell the TRUTH even if it hurts a bit because it would make him or her swell up for a while. Infact, having  him/her tell me the TRUTH even if it makes me cry is a virtue i find very attractive. Like seriously, there shouldnt even be an issue of ego or destroying self-esteem  issues in an ideal case because a spouse should technically be a part of you (someone who's got your back). The major difference between a spouse and any random friend should be the fact that your spouse and you  sit and get real with each other.

I believe that Life and Love would be so much easier if we could look our spouse in the face and say "my issues are these or that and its effects are so and so and thus I would appreciate if you can respond or help me out in such and such a manner" etc. Can you truly open up to that lady you are running after or have even gotten and tell her "Babe...I am indeed a wonderful person in so and so area and I am great in this and that but I have a slight weakness in this and that which i believe you should know so you can understand me and together work towards overcoming it?"

Or can you as a lady tell that guy that "I am quite loving and caring but when I get offended, I have tendencies to break up objects around me and be truly open to working on it if need be?". The fact is there may be fear of loss but then, the truth remains that if he/she is really meant for you, he/she would be ready to figure it out with you.

The examples we could discuss can never be completely exhausted. But in conclusion, I would say, be with someone you can be totally and absolutely vulnerable with. Someone you can tell "yes you really annoyed me on so and so" or "I didn't like so and so without fear" and who wouldn't take it as a major SIN and would apologize if need be.

Be with someone you can absolutely be free to let your guards down with on both your strengths and weaknesses. And I don't mean being free as in PDA that is superficial but I am talking about that form of freeness that has deep roots from the heart. Be with someone who sees and knows your weakness, acknowledges it and collectively and joyfully works on it together with you like it were his/her own problem. Be with someone you can be yourself with and who makes you aspire to be a better you.

Yes there would be hitches...yes it's not going to be all smiley smiley...yes your attitude, strength or weakness would annoy him/her sometimes. Yes he/she would react to it once in while; but YES, it won't stop "us" from keeping it on in 100% realness - this is transparency.

Do you think transparency has disadvantages in contrast to the advantages discussed above? please feel free to share in the comment session. Look forward to hearing from you.

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  1. Transparency is key to any relationship. I see transparency as being truthful and it has a big part to play in every relationship.
    That reminds me of scene in a eatery few months ago, it was about a couple there were eating at the eatery, suddenly the wife's ex worked in and he was like you know I told you anytime I see you with a man I will have to tell him your secrets. I sat down waiting for the next action, I saw the husband discussion silently with his wife. The next voice I had was the husband voice saying mr ex she told me everything, the ex was anxious he said did she told about this and that too, the husband replied yes, that makes the ex speechless. The ex was silenced and embarrassed to the extent he had no choice than to run out of the eatery. You can see the power of transparency in play. Transparency brings trust and enhance your spouse to advocate on behalf.

  2. This is really simple and well written!

    You have just hit one of the major issues ravaging most relationships in the 21st century because it is the root cause of separation, insecurity, fear and hatred. Imagine someone categorizing a slap as “correction slap” to a Lady he claims he loves. That lady has just entered “one chance”…lol. What happens when they get married? I beg, marriage shouldn’t be like a Prison…if affection doesn’t flow laminarly, then its going to be turbulent in no distant time.

    Seriously, we may analyse, discuss or even review the actions, reactions and scenarios in most relationships but we may give wrong judgements because we may not have all the details to do so. In any case, lovers or couples shouldn’t hide “anything” from each other. That’s a sacrilege as far as am concerned, except you do not love the person. Does “they were both naked but not ashamed ring a bell”?

    I see it as fun when I share my deepest thoughts with my hearthrob, it makes me very relaxed and comfortable because I won’t be carrying some luggage in my heart. However, fear always come up because you don’t know how the other person is going to feel. Questions such as; is she going to leave if I told her what my challenges are, would she still love me, would she leave me for another man…etc. So, as you have advised, both of them, I mean the love Birds need to have a heart to heart talk to assess where they are in a matured and loving manner and not threatening the other person that “I will leave it iyouf don’t do this or that”. You shouldnt threaten your woman or man because he or she does not give you what you want. No man or woman is an Angel, we have to nurture that Love and build it gradually and not comparing it to other relationships…it would just crash.

    Remember, your better half is not you, hence there would be diverse opinion, different beliefs and thinking pattern. Therefore, it’s our job as partners in love to help each other to have that unending conversation about progressive solutions that will “spiral bind” the relationship more and possibly be fruitous enough for a fantastic home. For me, I wouldn’t like to stress the person am dating with my issues…I may be wrong but I just feel that she shouldn’t be carrying extra load of my professional or career issues when she may be struggling to find her feet. So, it’s just about personal beliefs and principles, but hey, where there is true love both parties should work it out and not give up on each other.

    Thanks again for this lovely article, I feel really happy reading your thoughts again. Please, don’t stop!


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