Hate The Offence But Love Your Partner

Love is a beautiful thing (no doubt about it). A mystery we can't really explain. I mean how do you logically explain why your heart beats for A and why it  naturally shuts down to B ?

Well, I may not be able to give an answer to that but what I particularly want to dwell upon in this post is the place of tolerance in love (handling differences/ misunderstandings in any form of relationship).

Make no mistake, I am not perfect and as a matter of fact, I shall be learning from this post.

I am often amazed when Mr and Mrs A sit before a marriage counselor all angry at each other and desire to part ways. What is most funny about it is that when Mr A is asked if he still loves Mrs A, he says a big yes and Mrs A is asked if she still loves Mr A, she says a resounding yes too. And then, one can only wonder what the problem may then be.

Well different homes face different issues and It would be really hard to get particular on a specific issue so lets just discuss from a general point of view. I promise to be very practical about this.

Why would your partner or friend offend you (maybe you guys fought about something) and the next reaction you have as an individual is to cut off communication with him or her, Plan ways to hurt him or her back, withdraw from him/her and so many other reactions to express your displeasure.

I know this can sometimes be a normal reaction especially when we did not see the hurt coming from that special person (you are really angry, probably mad...and of course you have every right to be). But then that displeasure or anger should be channeled to the offence the individual committed and not to the individual himself or herself.

Take for instance your husband failed to do something you desperately needed him to do...feel free to express your displeasure on the issue. Tell him in words..."I am really angry you did not work on the task I told you about even after I told you how much it mattered to me". That is OK. Fight about it (if that would even make you happy...lol) but then the problem arises when you extend your anger by refusing to cook for him, refusing to respond to him or even giving him attitude (and so many other behaviors). this is extending your displeasure over an issue  to a displeasure over your partner which only further creates tension.

In my own point of view, we should just hate the offense but treat our partner right in other areas. Better put, we should try to deal with the issue as a different entity from the person in question.

The same also goes for your wife. So yes she refused you of a certain conjugal right for one reason or the other (how could she do that, who does she think she is...lol). Sure, be mad at her action at that point in time...but lets strive to let it end there. We should not allow our anger go beyond the offense to reacting to the individual involved (remember you still love the individual but hate the offense). You do not have to punish her by also denying her of such conjugal duties or start chasing other ladies. You shouldn't make matters worse (trust me, it's never worth it).

So it is also with friends. Your friend may have wronged you..by all means express your displeasure with respect and let it end there (it is the wrong that the person did you are angry with and not the person). I am usually surprised when friends keep malice for months, years etc simply because they had a fight. We should not extend our anger over the actions of a friend to the friend himself or herself. By all means get angry if you feel like but then forgive,  forget and deal with the issue as a different entity from the person (trust me you would have more peace). Is it going to be easy? Hell No.

A year ago, a friend had lied to me over an issue that was very sensitive and important. I was literally broken (as a matter of fact I had every reason to stop communicating with this individual ? In it all I didn't. I chose to deal with the issue as a different entity from that person).

Yes I was angry at the person's action but not at the person (I was not going to let my anger and ego cost me a a great friendship. I chose to look at every other thing that person had done right and not hold on to the only one grievous wrong. I spoke and smiled with this individual even when I didn't initially feel like it.

Was it worth it? A big yes. The experience made a better and more matured me. It thought me this big secret to successful human relationships. I would have lost out 100% on an amazing friend and created a huge turmoil when there didn't have to be one.

Let's love our partners but hate their offenses. To err they say is human...but to forgive is divine.

Whats your own view point? please share in the comment session.